Inspired by our local poets and my views on a certain World Cup match I put finger to keyboard and came up with this short, but succinct poem.

He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
Not blown by the wind, but a young girl’s sneeze.
Falls to the ground as if he’s lost his knees.
Yup, you guessed right, that chap’s Portuguese.

Xan Phillips, July 2006
www.xan.co.uk

As a country we should be 100% behind the England team. I am and think England are going to win the World Cup Finals.

Compared to the last one in 2002 it looks like more of the population are rooting for the team because more and more cars and van around the country are bearing England flags.(photo: www.sillyjokes.co.uk) But you can’t help feeling that the more national flags on display the worse the England team seem to be playing.

There is already talk in the news that the manager’s halftime talks are not blood and guts and thunder that you would expect in an important battle. [BBC NEWS: England's second-half struggles]

In fact after 15 minutes in the company of Sven-Goran Eriksson the England team seem return to the pitch un-inspired and definitely lack lustre.

Strangely enough this is quite similar to how I feel after my shopping experiences at Ikea, the Swedish furniture store. So is there a connection between the England manger and this shopping experience? Is it being Swedish? Or just management? Let’s explore!

On paper both the England teams and Ikea products look great. But when you get them out in the open they seem to loose some of their sparkle.

On paper they look easy to put together but after many frustrating attempts to put them together some how they don’t quite fit.

The England team seems to have only one way of playing and when you visit the Ikea store… there is only one way of going around!

I’m sure there are more connections, and if you can think of any then please send them in but for now I conclude that it is management style rather than being Swedish which tempers the current situation in both camps.

Come on England!

Possibly the most useful picnic/fast food culinary utensil invented s the combination of fork and spoon. Some call it the spork, some call it the foon.

According to Wikipedia(and that will be the catch phrase of the next five years) the spork was invented in the middle ages and not, as I thought, in the last 100 years.

Personally I feel they work best when you are eating a baked potato with beans and cheese although some will say they are useless at being a spoon (too shallow) and for eating meat (forks too short).

You won’t find the words Foon or Spork in Microsoft’s spell check dictionary you will find them on the tip of your tongue.

The pineapple has to be the most dangerous looking fruit.
Just look at it.
It seems to be covered in armour plating. Look at those spikes on its flesh. You wouldn’t want those brushing your side. Feel its weight. You wouldn’t want that dropping on your head. It is more weapon than dessert.

The last thing it seems to be saying is: “Eat me.” So how do you tell if it is ripe?

This was the question I found myself asking at the market on Friday. It isn’t like an avocado that you can squeeze at the top. It isn’t like a melon, which after a good push on its crown revels whether or not the fruit is ready. With the pineapple I was ready to be taught.

The lady behind the stall took hold of the pineapple and then pulled at one of the leaves. It came out easily and the leaf had a white base. It was ready to eat. So simple an answer. The picture above shows you what it looks like.

But is it dangerous to give out such information? With this fruit tip out amongst the food faddish public are we going to start seeing bald pineapples in the supermarkets?

It could happen because if you go to a market these days almost everyone is prodding and squeezing the fruit and veg. Going from avocado tip to avocado tip testing for freshness; digging their thumbs into peaches and some even sniffing the herbs.

That’s why you should washing your fruit and veg before eating it. It isn’t the pesticides you should be worried about it’s the germs from the handling they are given by the food cognoscenti.